Guest blog: 'Memories' by Jason Randall
Memories
By Jason Randall
ABOUT JASON RANDALL - Guest Blogger
Jason Randall is a stage IV cancer survivor from Eudora, Kansas. He is most grateful for his wife Tellena and their three children Adynn, Easton, and Hollis. A Navy veteran, Jason was stationed in Pensacola, Fla., and then served on the USS Dwight D Eisenhower (CVN-69) as an Aviation Electronics Technician Petty Officer 2nd Class for F/A-18 RADAR systems. Jason holds degrees in geography and anthropology with a focus on archaeology. He loves his work as a Geographic Information Systems analyst.
Memories
I was sitting at home on my little country property on this sunny, 65-degree afternoon, looking across the rolling hills to the west as the sun made its traverse across the sky.
It’s been eight weeks since my colon and liver resection surgery.
Today was a welcome break from the chaos of the world with COVID-19, and from all the renewed activity in my life after returning to work fulltime. Sitting there listening to music and reflecting on the memories from the last year and a half, this life on the cancer rollercoaster, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude.
Earlier this week, I received the results of my first CT scans since the surgery, and since I stopped chemotherapy four months ago. There is still no evidence of disease, NED. My scars have been fully healed for several weeks, and I feel I have fully recovered from surgery. My bloodwork has returned to normal levels as well. I am truly blessed.
I normally freak out the day of CT scans and while I wait for results. It’s a feeling of hopelessness, being scared, and anxiety all wrapped into one called “scanxiety” and it is very real and can be debilitating. Any cancer patient will tell you the horrible feeling it gives you and it sucks!
However, I didn’t experience this phenomenon this time, and I didn’t even realize it until after getting the results of my CT scan. It was out of sight, out of mind, and it felt good.
As I came home to Kansas (my surgery was in California), got back to work and reconnected with my family after being out of it for a long time, it feels that I’m returning to normal — or whatever the new normal will be like.
It is a renewed sense of energy, love, purpose, and life. I quite honestly have not felt this good in years, even well before my diagnosis. That could be all the weight I have lost, over 100 lbs. since November 2017. It could be not having chemo running through my veins anymore, knowing I will have much more time with my three children, or enjoying the strengthened bond between my wife and I, which is the strongest it has ever been.
I have been given a second chance at life and I’m going to cherish every moment of it, and as far as I know, this is why I have so much confidence and am not experiencing scanxiety right now.
Positivity has become a mainstay in my life and I see things through a different lens now. Facing your own mortality in your mid 30’s is life changing no matter the outcome. It is how you deal and cope with facing this that can be critical for your wellbeing. While riding down memory lane reminiscing on all that has happened, a song came on and as I listen to the lyrics I find myself starting to tear up and getting emotional.
I went from a joyous happy to a mixture of that and sad happy in almost an instant. I’ve learned that you will be better off if you experience all your emotions, but know when to not dwell on the bad ones and go off an emotional cliff.
This song brought up a different set of memories that my cancer journey has given me during the same year and half period. These were memories of all the people I have met along the way battling cancer, their own journeys of survival, their successes, their failures, the raw emotions shared in their darkest and most desperate hours to complete strangers. Memories of those who have inspired me to keep going, those who I have hopefully inspired in some way, the prayers, the love shared, and the many who have died and are no longer with us. They become friends and family simply because we all are experiencing a similar situation in life and it has created bonds where there were not any before.
These connections enhance our human experience in a way I cannot put to words. It has given me an invaluable experience that has helped me grow as a person tremendously, and to see more purpose in life with helping others, but it does come with its share of sadness.
To me, it is a form of therapy to take this all in and process it. It keeps me hopeful, gives me perspective, keeps me wanting to help others, and gives me a greater appreciation of life, which helps ground me to the realities of the world.
It reminds me how delicate life can be and to not forget the memories gained along the way, both happy and sad, because we all experience these emotions and it does no good to push them down to a dark place.
Stay positive and thank you for reading! The song was “Memories” by Maroon 5. You can read the lyrics below.
"Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
There's a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name
'Cause I can't reach out to call you, but I know I will one day, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here's to the ones that we got
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through
Toast to the ones here today
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you
...
Memories bring back, memories bring back you
There's a time that I remember when I never felt so lost
When I felt all of the hatred was too powerful to stop (ooh, yeah)
Now my heart feel like an ember and it's lighting up the dark
I'll carry these torches for ya that you know I'll never drop, yeah
Everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody hurts someday, ayy ayy
But everything gon' be alright
Go and raise a glass and say, ayy
Here's to the ones that we got (oh)
Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories
Of everything we've been through (no, no)
Toast to the ones here today (ayy)
Toast to the ones that we lost on the way
'Cause the drinks bring back all the memories (ayy)
And the memories bring back, memories bring back you"
