Joe+Bullock.jpg — Joe’s Wolfpack Trailblazers

June 2020 - Father’s Day Edition

After being diagnosed In May 2018 with stage 3b colorectal cancer, it was a shock to myself and my wife to say the least. At first we struggled with when exactly to tell our children I had cancer, or as my friend Lee Silverstein profoundly puts it 'WE Have Cancer.’

My children were teenagers at the time and they had friends with parents that had died of cancer that very same year. We waited a couple of weeks before we shared the news with them so we could gather information about my cancer and the path that was set forth for our family. Ironically, it was around Father's Day of that year that I told them I had cancer. It would be the first time they would ever hear that one of their parents may not be around to watch them grow up to adulthood.

I remember one day while recovering from my tumor removal surgery. I was resting on the couch looking out the window watching my wife and children playing with our dog in the backyard. I remember feeling incredibly proud of them and how well they were handling my diagnosis. My wife Michelle is a strong independent woman and that is one of the reasons I was attracted to her when we first met 29 years ago. As a husband, you could not ask for a more loyal, fearless, supportive and loving wife. As she is a nurse, I quickly became known as her worst patient ever, but that was ok with her. My kids were very independent thinkers and honestly had grown to the point where they were not looking to me as often for answers to life’s questions.

I suddenly realized that my family would be ok without me, but I would not be ok without them. I felt very proud as a father and husband but very weak as a man. Cancer was slowly stealing my identity. As the months progressed, no matter what cancer and chemotherapy were doing to my physical body, it was my spirit as a father and husband that became stronger. I was not going to let cancer steal that from me. At that moment I might not have been able to perform the role as well, but I accepted the support was there to help me get through it. I prayed and meditated daily for strength, both physically and mentally to survive cancer. I am completely humbled and thankful to be able to be remain with my family as a cancer survivor. There are many men before me that were not given that opportunity. The men featured in this month 'Trailblazers' feel the same as I do. This is just a few of them and many more share their stories with us in 'The Howling Place.’

— Joe Bullock, lead administrator, Man Up to Cancer - The Howling Place (Also known as The Wolfpack)

Click here to jump to Volume I

Click here to jump to Volume II

ERIK MILLER

DENVER, COLO.

STAGE 4 COLORECTAL CANCER

I’ll admit, before getting cancer, I was far from a perfect parent. Often focusing too strongly on work and other things which, in reality, made little to no difference in the true grand scheme of things. Hi, I’m Erik. I was diagnosed with stage four rectal cancer last year at the age of 43. Since then, as many of you know, it’s been a difficult journey - one of hospital stays, of good news, bad news, more bad news, and treatments that are just completely brutal.

But it’s also been an awakening: one where I realized, quickly, that life, living, being there for family, and for my kiddo are truly the most important things in life. Nothing else really matters. And I’m doing my best to teach that to my daughter, who is now six. I have to teach her this stuff now, because I don’t really know how much time I have to teach her in the long run. I’ve volunteered at her school more (pre-COVID), I’ve stopped working so much, completely stopped traveling, and have been more present in the moment - doing things with her that she wants to do...on the days when I can. And, in turn, she’s been there for me in ways I could never have imagined. I call her my little nurse, because she takes care of me when I have trouble taking care of myself. That’s an amazing gift that I am grateful for.

So what does parenting with cancer mean to me? Everything. Our time may be limited - I know mine is, my doctors have made me well aware of that - but in the time we have, we should focus on the things and people that really matter. I want my daughter to understand that life and family are paramount to happiness.

I want her to understand that fighting to live is well worth it, especially if you have a kiddo as wonderful as mine. I want her to see that there is so much good to live for in this world. And, most importantly, I want her to be happy. I want her to see that even in the darkest of times, you need to seek out the things that make you happy. And I truly hope I can teach her these things before I’m gone and that she retains them into her adult life.

It means the world to me to be here for my daughter. After all, she is my world.

GILL DOYLE

CANTON, MICH.

GRADE 4 BRAIN CANCER, GBM

Gill Doyle, 51, lives in Michigan and is a dad of 4 kids ages 11- 23. He was diagnosed with Grade 4 brain cancer, GBM, in August of 2017.

Having gone through surgery, radiation, and 96 doses of chemo, he has been thriving for just short of three years with his cancer, when half of those with this type of cancer die in just 15 months! He is a very faithful Catholic Christian, and he’s convinced that God has a plan for his life and Gill feels his gift is helping others through cancer and other life challenges. From the beginning of his cancer journey, he says that because of his surrender to God as the “pilot” of his life, he has been blessed with a perfect peace as the “passenger,” knowing that our all-powerful creator allows suffering in our lives because he knows that he can bring a greater good.

Gill is extremely happy that God has blessed him with 4 amazing kids! He’s also blessed to have an amazing dad love & support him these past 51 years.

Gill is now going through another trial with a separation and pending divorce from his wife. Accordingly, one of his current favorite Bible verses is: 2 Corinthians 12:9- (but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.)

If you are facing this same life challenge, and you would like to text or speak to Gill, he would be more than willing to speak to any of you. He can be reached at (734) 718-7299.

TAUN WAKEFIELD

SALT LAKE CITY , UTAH

STAGE 4 COLORECTAL CANCER

I’m the proud father of two sons that mean the world to me. I grew up without my father not by his choice.

I took pride in being there for everything, so getting cancer changed a lot of aspects of life. I went from the dad that did everything, to laying in a hospital bed that doctors thought I wouldn’t leave. I felt completely helpless and lost. My wife already had health problems so her and the kids depended on me for everything from getting to school to making all meals.

I knew my sons needed me, which helped me fight. So I fought and fought till the doctors let me go home two months later. From there on out I was on a mission to teach them everything that had not been taught them yet. Then I lost my mind to Folfox (harsh chemotherapy that treats colorectal cancer). By the time I finished 16 rounds, my mind was a wreck. I started to recover but my mind was young again. So my oldest son got to see what I was like as a young adult. I think I shocked him quite a few times.

The benefit of this was a lot of bonding and understanding. My youngest realized I’m crazy Papa, and laughed everything off. The one thing my sons got out of this is to never give up and always fight and everyone fights in their own way. Finally, I grew up again and I’ve been focused on teaching them to survive together without me. It’s their reality having a father with stage 4 cancer.

I do not think I would be here right now if I didn’t have my boys. They push and tease me to get stronger and I love it. The two of them will make great adults I can only hope to see. They are my true power and make me proud to be a father.

JASON RANDALL

EUDORA, KANSAS

STAGE 4 COLORECTAL CANCER

“There is no easy way to say this, Jason, you have colon cancer that has spread to the liver, stage 4.”

Whoa, what? What did my doctor just say to me? Is he serious? This has to be a dream of some sorts, perhaps I heard him wrong. Nope, it was the beginning of a nightmare, a schism in the fabric of my comfortable reality.

One of the first things that crossed my mind after hearing my diagnosis was my wife and children. I had a 1 ½ year old son, a 9 year old daughter, and my wife was 6 months pregnant, I panicked. I started to have thoughts racing through my mind.

“Am I going to die before my wife gives birth? Am I going to be able to see my daughter graduate high school and possibly college? Will I never get to walk her down the aisle at her wedding? Will my unborn child even remember who I am or care?”

The thoughts wouldn’t stop and it consumed me thinking about my family and what I would be missing out on because I had cancer at age 35. My wife and I had worked so hard to build a life together, find a place to live that would be great to raise our family, and to grow old together but then cancer showed up. It was a dark time in not only my life, but my wife’s as well. We were lost, alone, and terrified.

The feeling of hopelessness and the thoughts of having my children grow up without their dad around to teach them valuable life skills, how to play a sport, how to live, how to love, and how to overcome life’s challenges, to weep with them, to laugh with them, all of it. I kept seeing my future without my children and it hurt my soul.

This isn’t the first time cancer has impacted my life. When I was 3-4 years old my own mother had stage 2 breast cancer. I was too young to remember it all at the time but she made some choices then that were tough for a young woman in her late 20s/early 30s. Those choices ultimately saved her life and allowed her to spend time with her children, even to this day. It was very personal for my mother as well since her mother had died from ovarian cancer. She had battled breast cancer for 7 to 8 years before it had gone to her ovaries and she chose not to remove it and passed away when my mother was 11 years old.

I’ve seen the devastating pain first hand that this brought upon my mother over the years even if it wasn’t spoken about much and I see why she made the choices she did when she had cancer. It was a very admirable choice to do what she did, a selfless act all for her children and one that I am very grateful for and respect tremendously. Thank you, Mom.

Now it was me in the hot seat with cancer with a young family, a pregnant wife, and absolutely no idea what to do. Being stage 4 and being a bowel cancer was a bit different than my mom and her mother’s experiences and the choices that were available. I was inoperable and couldn’t just chop off an active and necessary part of my body to be cured, it had spread and my choices were very limited.

So, I did the only thing I knew how to do in this situation and decided to man up and fight this son of a bitch instead of running away, because I couldn’t run from this. It was clear to me it was time for the fight of my life and I was dealt a 2 and 3 card in the pocket with no chance to fold, I was all in. It seemed an impossible task, but what choice did I have? You play the hand you were dealt and hope you can find a way to win.

I trusted my oncologist and what her plan was, all I needed to do was let my body and mind be at ease. I started to respond to the treatments and on October 11th, 2018, just two hours after getting disconnected from my 8th cycle of chemo, I caught my 3rd child, my son Hollis, in my arms (we did a home birth). It was a beautiful moment, one I will never ever forget and it had a life changing impact on me. My other son, Easton, was also born at home and was very special too, but this moment gave me a new motivation to fight harder and to find a way through even if I was going to be doing chemotherapy for life. I kept telling myself I will be in my children’s lives and do everything I can to make it so.

I continued to respond to treatments but I also started to explore other avenues to help me live longer. I started to see an integrative medicine doctor as well as seeing a naturopathic doctor as well. Both of these doctors helped me in their own ways, both physically and mentally. Meditation had a major impact on my recovery about 6 months or so into treatments. A very spiritual experience I had and continue to be able to slip into to find peace and inner reflection.

In May of 2019, I had regained enough strength and energy to return to work. Life started to resemble normal again but there was still the issue of staying ahead of this disease, and the thought of endless chemotherapy was exhausting in itself and it was starting to affect my relationship with my children, especially my oldest. I wasn’t myself during treatments and with the steroids I was on, the up and down of the cancer rollercoaster was starting to take its toll on my family.

I continued to educate myself about my disease and exploring what others experienced during their own struggles. This ultimately led me to a support group specific to colon cancer and even more specific to liver issues with colon cancer. This same group has a parents group as well that I got to hear from others and share my own experience. These stories and advice led me to a specialist who changed my life. After being told, “No”, over and over for a year and a half for surgery I had to seek a second opinion to exhaust all avenues.

Throughout this all, my children kept me pushing on, trying new things to feel better or to fight the cancer from a different angle, to squeeze out more time to be with them. When I heard my liver surgeon say that I was a perfect candidate for his surgery based on my condition, with curative intent, I knew my relentless work had paid off and now to get through the surgery and hope for a clean pathology report.

After my surgery in February of this year — after losing 30cm of colon, resection of my entire right liver lobe, gallbladder removal, and an ileostomy placed — I got the pathology report that every oncologist/surgeon dreams of for their patient: near complete pathological response to chemo and the rest was already dead and then removed, cancer free!

I have a renewed sense of life, love and happiness that I get to have much more time with my children and wife and to repair my relationship with them and all the damage that cancer has done to these relationships. The plan going forward is no more chemotherapy and to monitor every three months. I haven’t felt this much energy in years and after a surgery on May 19th to reverse my ileostomy, most of this will be behind me and I don’t plan on looking back, but I will NEVER forget and I hope to help others as much as I can with their own cancer struggles.

While we never know what may happen in life, I feel my choices made during my continuing cancer experience were based on my perspective of what my mother experienced and how this has impacted me towards my own children. This all comes as a major wakeup call as well for me to help my children learn to make the right choices in life when it comes to their health and well-being and I plan on cherishing every moment with them regardless of what life throws me. Thank you for listening.

JWT - Volume III

Joe’s Wolfpack Trailblazers

JWT - Volume IV

JWT - Volume II