JWT - Volume XXXIV
Joe’s Wolfpack Trailblazers
March 2023
Joe Bullock
Durham, NC
Stage IIIB colorectal cancer survivor
Cancer advocate
There are just certain things about your cancer journey that just stick in your memory. To this day I still can’t bring myself to drink a Snapple apple juice because it can be triggering to me mentally. When I see it in the store a chill can come over my body and I can feel the pins and needles in my throat. It’s a type of side effect that some types of chemotherapy can bring during treatment. It was the only thing that tasted good to me after my Oxaliplatin infusions in my battle with stage 3b colorectal cancer back in 2018. I would pack a bottle to take with me to the infusion center to drink during treatment because the flavor brought me comfort which is what I needed at the time.
It's funny how in life you generally can’t get these types of mental triggers out of your mind. Sometimes it's a song that sticks with you or a smell that you just can’t let go and it seems to trigger your mind. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I was a caregiver for my dad whose health was declining rapidly at the time because he had hidden his prostate cancer diagnosis. He had refused treatment for his cancer and had chosen to shoulder the burden of the disease alone. My sister asked if I would help her care for him because the burden had become too much for one person. My dad and I had a fairly torn relationship to say the least and for multiple reasons but at the moment he was a man that just needed to be cared for because honestly he had no other man to stand by him.
My dad wouldn’t eat much toward the end of his life but he liked the hamburgers from Burger King. To this day I can’t go into a Burger King restaurant and order a Whopper with cheese and no mayo. I really can’t even walk through the door of that place without tearing up and feeling the sense of a complete loss of life. I remember walking in his room and finding the half eaten hamburgers sitting on his night stand. It was the only thing he would eat at the time.
My Dad was a proud man and was raised by his own father that asking for help was a sign of general weakness. It was unfortunately how he was raised and is why he led such a lonely life in the end by his own choice. After my dad died I actually got to read some of the letters my dad wrote to his mom while he was away at college. He talked about hanging out with his buddies, going to parties and sporting events. After reading that I knew he was capable of having close male friendships. He didn’t start out his life as a lonely withdrawn man. I think over time my dad, like the majority of men, chose not to continue those bonds of friendship. As I got older I found myself following a similar path with my friendships over time and I think this is common among men as we get older.
Growing up as a child I remember being told time after time by dad this very statement: ‘ You have to take care of ‘Number One’ because no one else is going to take care of you but you in this life.’ It’s a statement that would ring in my head for years to come and would be the reason I struggled in building male friendships. I had been taught that you always take care of number one and no one else mattered.
If I am honest with myself being how I was raised I was very much headed in that same direction as my dad. Before my own cancer diagnosis my dependence and trust of other men had weakened as the years progressed. Over the years I had lost most of my male friendships and I had become increasingly skeptical of new male friendships as I had become older. The one thing about a disease like cancer is that it can easily break this cycle amongst men. You can only bear the burden of this disease for so long alone. It broke my dad in the end but opened the door for us to have a much better relationship toward the end of his life. He turned to me in a time of need as he had never done before and I never gave it a second thought to be right there for him. I chose to be with him at that moment and walk him home. This is something I find myself doing for my brothers in the cancer community. It’s a walk we will all have to make and one we shouldn’t have to do alone.
Oddly enough the relationship with my dad in the end would set me up for the years ahead in my own cancer journey. Having an open heart and warrior spirit isn't easy for many men to accept, especially the way I was raised. Luckily Man Up To Cancer and The Howling Place group on Facebook is trying to change that. Trevor Maxwell has created a movement to do that very thing in the cancer space for men.
Trevor Maxwell, Mark Moore, Joe Bullock at Fight CRC’s Call on Congress 2023
A few days ago I stood on a stage in Washington, DC with Trevor and a group of our brothers from the Howling Place group on Facebook to let men know that they don’t have to face cancer alone. On that day we let every man know that there are over 2000 male cancer patients, survivors and male caregivers just waiting to support them in their cancer journeys. Trevor spoke passionately about how the lack of male friendships and support from other male survivors can alter the outcome for many male cancer patients. It can in many cases cause unfavorable outcomes to the men battling this disease no matter the type of cancer they might be diagnosed with at the time. They may also quickly withdraw from their key relationships at a higher rate because of the sigma of the disease especially with men of color.
I think if my dad would have been more open to this type of support from other men in the beginning of his prostate cancer diagnosis, he might still be with us today. His outcome might have been much different and our relationship might have been mended much sooner before he died. He told me toward the end of his life he wished he was more open to the doctors about his health and encouraged me to do the same with my own. He said he just didn’t have the encouragement to seek help over the last few years.
Man Up to Cancer members at Fight CRC’s United in Blue Rally, March 15, 2023
What my dad didn’t know is I was hiding my own health problems at the time and was starting to fall in the same trap of denial as he did the years prior to his diagnosis. I started to show the early signs of colorectal cancer. At the time I had been having irritable bowels, the occasional abdominal cramping and finding some blood in my stool for a few months. These are all the classic signs of colorectal cancer. My schedule was pretty tight during that period of my life and I just felt I didn’t have time to be sick. This is a common excuse of men my age to not follow through on their health screenings.
After my dad's passing I did eventually get my proper health screenings and I’m cancer free today because of it. I did it because I listened to my wife and I also wanted to make sure I would be there for my family for years to come. The difference between me and my dad was I chose to lean on the ones that loved me. The experience of being a caregiver for my dad and my own cancer diagnosis left me with the desire to help others. Today I have my dad to thank for giving me the desire to advocate for others in the cancer fight. I’m grateful for the experiences I have had the last few years that have led me in this chosen direction.
Everyday the members of The Howling Place group use their shared experiences with this disease to support each other in their personal journeys with cancer. As they continue to open their hearts up to one another, they are changing lives and encouraging their warrior spirits. At the end of the day we just realize that we are all just here to walk each other home to eternal peace. These men are all the true trailblazers in the cancer community for men in the fight with cancer. I am honored to be among them and to stand beside them everyday.